Watching the sunrise from my huge picture window, on the twentieth floor, is reassuring that today is in fact a new day. This means new possibilities, new opportunities and a new day for processing emotions and for letting go.
When we’ve lost someone or something precious to us, moving on, is a challenge, to say the least.
They say relationships are “a reason, a season or a life time.” But what that statement fails to clarify - is that sometimes you THINK it’s a lifetime and it ends up being a ‘reason’ or a ‘season.’ The shift from permanence to temporary becomes almost impossible to fully grasp. The pain it brings to the soul can be crushing.
Because it’s been so long without photos or a post, some have you have reached out privately and have asked if my partner and I are still together. The answer for these past few months has been a complex and painful one. I usually responded with, “We’re working through some shit, but hopefully it will work out.”
My relationship was on FIRE 🔥 and then burned to the ground. Lack of self love and self care became daily discussions and fights and sadly, re-occuring destructive coping mechanisms became a regular occurrence. My desire to help, took over, and I became a ‘pain in the ass’ girlfriend/fiancé... constantly pushing my partner towards greatness, when in fact, it felt more like grasping and reaching. The result left him feeling unworthy; which was not my intent.
I felt out of control, witness to my own constant suffering and yet, I couldn’t pull completely away. I felt tied to this love from a deep soul connection (still do) and absolutely refused to give up.
But it wasn’t up to me.
You may ask, how can two people not just “change” and make it work if they choose LOVE ❤️. I would say, “love” is a relative emotion to the individual. Meaning, we play out our experiences with past love, originating from family and those closest to us. Even if someone hasn’t had what we would think of as “serious” trauma - a feeling of abandonment or separation, in childhood, can cause a partner to act out and create similar situations and patterns in a romantic relationship.
I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned and worked through over these couple years. I learned I was re-living my own family drama of wanting to be seen/heard and yet ultimately having my needs pushed to the side. I realized my “saviour” complex was powerful and destructive. I’m currently working on changing my narrative from feeling responsible for one’s healing and growth to empowering people for change. I learned when trust is broken, I almost never regain it. I know that love was not the problem... our “humanness” got the better of us.
If there was one thing to say about love and relationships... is that you will either grow together or pull apart. Changing patterns long term, is only possible when you realize your OWN desire for that pattern shift. We are harmed in relationships and we heal in relationships... but the work is always an individual exercise.
As for me?
My heart will heal and I will move forward. This type of love will never leave me, and when I look back on this time, I will smile at how special he is.