Today, a long tube like camera is sliding from my mouth to my stomach.
Apparently ‘people’ want to check out what’s happening in my gut.
I wonder what they’ll find…
Over the past few months I've had dull, sharp and burning pain. Ugh... sorry... I am being dishonest... I have actually had this pain for a very long time. I minimize my health issues at times simply because reality isn't so fun. I remember having stomach issues when I was much younger. That ouchy belly feeling would be so strong at times, I would have to roll up into a little ball to gain some relief. They assumed it was a tummy ulcer, which in my mind is what the docs are assuming now.
The won't find an ulcer.
Either way, the specialist wants a looksy. I'm not opposed to having a camera shoved into my insides, so we can figure it all out. It will be the best photo that represents my inner self. Maybe I'll ask for a copy and have it framed. The caption could say, "here is my alimentary canal" or "guess who had tofu for lunch?" or perhaps the ever popular, "true love starts in the gut..." That would be awesome. Awesome for me; maybe not the viewers. But I will show everyone.
What I would not show everyone, is a pic of my youthful partying. I am beyond grateful that when I was at my peak of rebelling (maybe I still am but act on it differently); camera phones were NOT being used to post my worst decisions for the world to see. Back then, we just had to do it the old fashioned way; call your friends the day after and say "Oh shit... did I REALLY do THAT???!!!" And then relive the guilt and shame via your best friends. However, when done outside of an environment that you wish would never be recorded, that click of a camera or phone, can grab the most amazing, hilarious, sad, ridiculous and historical moments.
As this camera slides down my throat, I wonder if it will be aware of how little I have spoken my truth over the longevity of my life. Oh I have chattered on and on… but the truth about who I am has been pretty quiet for many fears and years. I have a resistance to people getting to know the real me. Many feel they have grasped the immense personality I am; but in fact they have only scratched the surface. I have tried on several faces to induce a more comfortable environment. It’s been fucking exhausting. The area of the throat, longs for balance: speak and quiet.
The camera will slowly wind its way through my heart. Maybe it will find a scarred path where the many broken pieces have been tenderly brought together through self-development and internal self-care. The photos taken would see how deeply I fall in love but how distracted I can be, if bored. I have loved and lost and told many to ‘get lost.’ I have zero apologies for the mini and maxi relationships I have had on this journey because each one has brought me closer to realizing my heart desires. I hope this camera gently filters all the tears and emotional moments to create a collage of my most beautiful intimacies.
And finally the destination: MY GUT.
The camera slides to location… Stop. Turn. Stop. Turn. Click… Click… Click…
The amount of photos taken makes me smile and cringe. I am aware of my powerful gut instincts and yet I have stories clinging to my insides for fear of what would happen if I release. There is no easy answer to why I have chosen to hang on so tightly to my past, but that is something I am currently working on. The avoidance of listening to my ‘belly’ has caused great anxiety and struggle.
From the time I was little, my body has been sensitive. I have always internalized and taken on more 'grown up' feelings than any other child I played with. I knew at an early age the deep connection I had to humanity and it hurt deep within my core to observe and witness hate, apathy and dismissal of any living thing. Fast forward to today; that is why my gut hurts. There is no ulcer; it is a collection of deep seeded emotions that I am working on setting free.
We all have an abstract photo album full of what our lives have produced mentally, emotionally and physically. Sometimes it causes us great discomfort and even pain. What is the source of experiencing less fear and more peacefulness? The key is tapping into our internal abundant source for self love, happiness and worthiness. This answer is not easy but it's do-able. We need to stay present. Stop carrying around the past; we can analyze it, dissect it and process it... but we cannot change it. And decide to let the future unfold as it should without losing our shit if it doesn't go exactly the way we planned. Being sensitive is a wonderful gift - but internalizing to the point of physical pain is a problem.
Be in THIS beautiful moment. Breathe. Meditate. Trust.
No matter how often I travel to Indonesia (6 times) I am always blown away by the beautiful water, the people, local cuisine and the hospitality. However, this time, as I sat my ass on a beach, I noticed something else. There was an object that attracted my eye and gave me pause; it made me think. It was seemingly so ridiculously inconsequential, but I just knew I was meant to observe it.
My best friend and I staked our claim to a couple of bean bag chairs and set up camp. We undressed down to our swim suits, lathered up with sunscreen and then dropped heavy onto the 1970’s inspired cushions; creating full body outlines. As the sun beat down on us, I was extremely grateful to have a large overhead umbrella creating bearable shade to chill under, while we 'people watched' and drank Bintang, the local beer.
This umbrella was massive; think big and then think bigger.
Because it was directly over our heads, at times, I would look up with squinty eyes at the guts of the umbrella. I observed how strong and sturdy this thing must be in order to endure tropical winds, rain and the intense heat. That “something” that drew my attention was the wood that was used to create the hinges. I thought it was odd how each hinge holding the umbrella open, 8 in total, was “pinned” with completely different items; a nail, a screw, a small stick, a dowel cut perfectly to fit and so on. I don’t remember all of the materials used, but one particular “branch” of this system was remarkably repaired. It looked as though the piece of wood had snapped and another stronger more durable wood was placed along side and then duct taped together. Now that was ingenuity!
Duct tape has clearly made its mark around the world.
For some reason, emotion swept over me. It appeared as if the poor thing had lived a long life and now was being fixed up merely to survive. Back home we would have thrown it away; no good! Doesn’t work! Too much energy to repair! Need newer and better!!! Ugh, and yet this umbrella worked just fine and in fact was doing a phenomenal job of making my sunless sunning experience a complete treat! My mind was racing… wait a minute, the umbrella wasn’t broken at all; it was simply altered at a time when it needed to shift into a stronger more powerful item. In order for it to keep doing the job it was intended for; the umbrella had to take the support and make appropriate changes so it could thrive.
You may not know…
I have used duct tape to hold my heart steady. I have a variety of “pins” throughout my body reminding me of glory days and the moments of mental anguish that brought me crashing to my knees. I have felt the sun beating down on my soul and the windy rain that beat the shit out of me as I held my hands over my face and cried till there were no more tears left to flow. Throughout all of this, I held my ground. I stayed in position ready to continue my life’s work. My feet were and are deeply rooted in the mucky sand that not even my illness, my separation, my fears, my mental grief, my lack of self-love could knock me down and keep me there.
Like a fixed up umbrella, I too, have created a new life.
We are not damaged. We are simply modified from the life we thought we’d have, to the life that is playing out even more spectacularly before us. You and I will always have situations that leave us deeply wounded requiring heavy duty tape to support. But what a mind blowing trip; to be able to constantly renew, revitalize and re-route our lives. Open your umbrella to its maximum intensity and notice how fucking connected, introspective and strong you have become.
Now… seriously… is that someone who’s broken?