Reduction, minimization, lessening the load, getting rid of dead weight, and simplifying has been my journey for these past several years.
I sold my 3 bedroom, 2 story home, 5 years ago, in suburbia, and moved into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath high rise on the 20th floor, in a downtown metropolis. For 4 years, I used the second bedroom to store clothes and to occasionally throw a mattress down for someone to crash. Definitely a waste of space.
One year ago, I moved closer to the downtown valley, where I hear birds in the morning. The lush river washes me with calm and the greenery excites my senses every single day. My condo is a one bedroom with a galley kitchen. It’s small, renovated, quaint and yet feels like a castle perched on top of a hill. It’s all I need to feel safe, comfortable, happy and completely me.
I need very little to feel content.
Part of this adventure is to let go of “friends.” People, who online, haven’t spoken, liked, or commented on anything I’ve posted, in years. This “unfriending” process is not personal. It’s necessary. If I’ve made a mistake and you’re interested in still reading my thoughts, you can also follow, or re-request. Even if we live in the same city but haven’t ever really communicated, it’s time to go our separate ways. In the same way, feel free to pull the plug on me. If you’ve “unfollowed” me… it’s time to walk away. But you won’t even read this
So what is truly happening???
I want Real. Tangible. Honest. Parred Down. Nothing Fake.
I’m loving my life. Living with less and experiencing more. I’m reducing “have to” connections and creating long lasting friendships. I’m simplifying the stuff and maximizing love.
Some days, wouldn’t it be great to take a final bow and say, “All done here folks… next show is whenever the fuck I decide to get out of bed!”
Checking out is a common practice of the overwhelmed… we have so much on our plate we freeze, run or shut the fuck down.
I get it.
Working on it.
Getting WAY better.
What I DO know is this: when we’re consistent with self care, mindfulness and doing our best to stay present; we can uncover moments of peace and joy. And yes, even in the most hectic day.
The thing is, it’s easy to self love when we’re happy and life is just clicking along.
You’re so worthy to be continuous with your mindbody health…
No one else can do it for us.
So take a bow, but get back out there for the encore! You’ll get the inner applause from knowing you continued forward…
You got this!
Shifting gears after our minds are “set” in a certain direction, can be a difficult concept to accept.
We fight, resist, ignore signs and ultimately spin our wheels feeling disconnected and frustrated that our lives haven’t turned out the way we planned.
I know this feeling well, because… I used to live this way.
My control tendencies were once high. In younger years, my world was completely out of control; I grasped, held onto and if I had an idea of what was going to happen - I wouldn’t deviate. The fear of the unknown was too much for my fragile nervous system to take.
Fast forward several years of therapy, meditation, earth medications and understanding the mind and its tendencies… I have LEARNED to allow life to unfold as it should.
This means I still work towards goals and have plans, but ultimately stay OPEN to twists and turns along the way.
We are, unfortunately, built with personal parameters of what we THINK we can and cannot do. This means that even the most seemingly powerful humans can still be set within self imposed limitations.
Letting go, opening up to possibilities and seeing life for opportunities rather than doors that’ve closed, gives us an ability to soar with the eagles.
Trusting your abilities, inner wisdom, differences and non conforming intuitive gifts, may ultimately be what makes your life go from “ok,” to really good, to pretty fucking awesome.
It takes time. My humble suggestion is to walk slowly and mindfully… but just keep going… xo
THE MEANING OF LIFE…
Over the decades, I’ve thought seriously about this question from a philosophical, religious and practical view.
Why am I here? What is the reason for all of this? How can I embrace my spiritual truth and still be part of this human existence?
There are multiple complex answers that’ve fit at different stages of my journey and seem to work for a while… then something would shift and I’d be at the discover stage all over again!
After all my learning, education, experience and recoveries, I feel I’m more equipped to dive deeper into this seemingly elusive question.
And here’s what I’ve come up with:
MY REASON TO BE HERE IS…
To love and the accept love. To share my gifts and serve others. To connect deeply from my own wounds that’ve healed, and continue to, to support struggling individuals; offering hope for a new way of being. To use my healing hands and intuition, feeling into the people who seek my help, without judgement. To care for my mindbody as if I’m precious cargo. To say “yes,” to experiences and “no,” to negative energy. To land my feet upon foreign land, to gain different perspectives and a deeper awareness of humanity.
Allow your life to have meaning. No competition. “Small” or “large” we all have a raison d'etre! But it’s YOUR meaning.
I would love to hear your personal definition… I’m listening…
Watching the sunrise from my huge picture window, on the twentieth floor, is reassuring that today is in fact a new day. This means new possibilities, new opportunities and a new day for processing emotions and for letting go.
When we’ve lost someone or something precious to us, moving on, is a challenge, to say the least.
They say relationships are “a reason, a season or a life time.” But what that statement fails to clarify - is that sometimes you THINK it’s a lifetime and it ends up being a ‘reason’ or a ‘season.’ The shift from permanence to temporary becomes almost impossible to fully grasp. The pain it brings to the soul can be crushing.
Because it’s been so long without photos or a post, some have you have reached out privately and have asked if my partner and I are still together. The answer for these past few months has been a complex and painful one. I usually responded with, “We’re working through some shit, but hopefully it will work out.”
My relationship was on FIRE 🔥 and then burned to the ground. Lack of self love and self care became daily discussions and fights and sadly, re-occuring destructive coping mechanisms became a regular occurrence. My desire to help, took over, and I became a ‘pain in the ass’ girlfriend/fiancé... constantly pushing my partner towards greatness, when in fact, it felt more like grasping and reaching. The result left him feeling unworthy; which was not my intent.
I felt out of control, witness to my own constant suffering and yet, I couldn’t pull completely away. I felt tied to this love from a deep soul connection (still do) and absolutely refused to give up.
But it wasn’t up to me.
You may ask, how can two people not just “change” and make it work if they choose LOVE ❤️. I would say, “love” is a relative emotion to the individual. Meaning, we play out our experiences with past love, originating from family and those closest to us. Even if someone hasn’t had what we would think of as “serious” trauma - a feeling of abandonment or separation, in childhood, can cause a partner to act out and create similar situations and patterns in a romantic relationship.
I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned and worked through over these couple years. I learned I was re-living my own family drama of wanting to be seen/heard and yet ultimately having my needs pushed to the side. I realized my “saviour” complex was powerful and destructive. I’m currently working on changing my narrative from feeling responsible for one’s healing and growth to empowering people for change. I learned when trust is broken, I almost never regain it. I know that love was not the problem... our “humanness” got the better of us.
If there was one thing to say about love and relationships... is that you will either grow together or pull apart. Changing patterns long term, is only possible when you realize your OWN desire for that pattern shift. We are harmed in relationships and we heal in relationships... but the work is always an individual exercise.
As for me?
My heart will heal and I will move forward. This type of love will never leave me, and when I look back on this time, I will smile at how special he is.
The eternal battle of fully loving self is put to the test, when we perceive that we can only love ourselves wholly when we have met a ridiculous construct of “how we are supposed to be.” This ideology places perfection as the gold standard; anything less is to be hated and removed.
This delusional understanding of personality, makes us cringe when we fall short (and inevitably we will), because the pressure for perfection, causes even the most conscious person to crack.
Loathing the deepest darkest pieces of our selves, doesn’t help master the mind or allow for love to permeate the soul. Being aware of and looking with curiosity and intrigue upon our “hang ups,” and dirty secrets allows for us to stay connected to them, therefore minimizing behaviors that are destructive.
Where there is yin, there is yang. The world exists in contrasts and so do we. There is much beauty to behold when we live in light; but the recognition of darkness, frees our spirit from unnecessary restrictions.
These restrictions can cause us to break down, to give up on self and to create a fake reality, so people think “everything’s ok.”
I would not know love, unless I’ve lived apathy. I would not know kindness, if I hadn’t known hate. I would not know wisdom, if I hadn’t been a fool. I would not know health, if I hadn’t had pain. I wouldn’t know truth, if I hadn’t known lies.
You are not “bad” or “good” - most of us are simply processing being products of shitty circumstances and wading through the waters of past experience.
You have the strength to overcome. To be light energy and everything “right.”
Perfection is not the goal.
Be brave in your pursuit of self love which holds all of you, the “good,” the “bad”and the “ugly...” in high esteem.
You are light and you are dark. And within this knowledge, you’ll uncover freedom.
SHE WOKE UP DIFFERENT TODAY
Tired of searching for peace, love and contentment outside herself, she made a choice. She decided that every night she would dream of the beauty in life and each day she would wake and create that reality. She would no longer try to find happiness in things or let anyone control her destiny with a harsh word or an uninformed opinion.
She made this choice to heal her soul. To let go of past griefs that held her hostage to the cycle of shame and guilt. She dove inwards and loved every inch of her brokenness. She sealed up the cracks with self love, empowerment and connected herself to the all powerful energy source of oneness.
SHE WOKE UP.
I'm sitting in the sunshine after a long hot shower, that followed a very sweaty indoor stair workout and yoga session. I'm feeling peaceful, calm and quite rested from the amount of sleep and self care that's occurring during this time of social distancing.
The COVID-19 crisis, has left many entrepreneurs, like myself, out of full-time work. Most of the people I see, are one on one appointments, for massage therapy healing. Since the doors to my Studio have closed (temporarily), I've embraced the downtime. To my delight, the little aches and pains that built up from 18 years of helping clients with their injuries are slowly diminishing. I don't love not working - the lack of face to face social interactions has me feeling a little out of sorts. My "caged" feelings erupt at times, as I over look the city in my birds-eye-view condo. Yet in my complete honesty, I still have my personal freedoms and a strong sense of security.
As I scroll the news feed, I'm absorbing reports of how this pandemic is affecting the world and its people. Within reading a few sentences, my heart sinks. The statistics are shocking. There is a new type of terror on the rise. A horrible repercussion of this virus that's devouring more people than I could ever imagine. "Intimate terrorism," experts are calling it, is becoming its own type of virus; spreading into many homes and causing irreversible damage.
Since the world wide issuing of isolation, lay offs and businesses closing - there have been many families that are pushed together into dangerous living conditions. The rise of domestic violence has been steadily climbing and sadly crushing the system for women and children to receive help. With lack of work, financial strains, extra home stresses, mental instability, fears, and unhealed patterns of anger and brutality, the dangerous personality finds himself in a perfect situation to act out.
I'm not a scholar nor an expert on domestic violence. But I am an empathetic healer who knows all too well what a dangerous scenario this is. When families who already have mental, physical and emotional abuse going on are jammed together for a period of time, a hellish nightmare begins.
My personal experience with violence is a story from the past and is reactivated as I read about women and children being tormented, world wide. My heart aches and tears flow like a river. I refuse to pretend that this time is "good for all mankind" and that the earth can finally "rest." This may be the bigger picture, but if I am correct, and I believe that I am... nature bleeds as we bleed. There is no praying, meditating or chanting that can fix the shit of destruction that some families are facing.
Home is where the heart should be. It should be a place of safety, guidance and structure for any child. It should be a place where a couple lives in harmony, speaking in loving communication, with intention for self betterment. I would love, in my beautiful bubble of self healing and awareness, to say that this time will bring about reflection and a beautiful new normal for everyone. But this is not reality. The sacred relationship of divine self love is just not occurring in places where destruction, emotional carelessness and erupting anger reside.
This is not doom and gloom. This is becoming acquainted with what "is," rather than "how we'd like things to be." We're all going to experience this time differently; and I respect that. I'm personally curious to see where life goes after all this is over. No expectations... simply trusting I will land where I'm needed. This is just another example of circumstances out of our control. And out of control it is. Our inner awareness will guide us to truth and in our universal community consciousness, we know that not every one will get through this fire unscathed.
This is what I hold dear in my heart... for those suffering at the hand of someone else, that there is a place of relief available, a person who may help you or a way for you and your children to escape. You are loved and seen. As the earth quiets, I hear your screams.
Do your best, as I will, to look out for one another. There is no stopping the force of violence in a home, if the force is allowed to keep building. It's our "problem" to get involved.
Much truth, love and compassion,