Today, a long tube like camera is sliding from my mouth to my stomach.
Apparently ‘people’ want to check out what’s happening in my gut.
I wonder what they’ll find…
Over the past few months I've had dull, sharp and burning pain. Ugh... sorry... I am being dishonest... I have actually had this pain for a very long time. I minimize my health issues at times simply because reality isn't so fun. I remember having stomach issues when I was much younger. That ouchy belly feeling would be so strong at times, I would have to roll up into a little ball to gain some relief. They assumed it was a tummy ulcer, which in my mind is what the docs are assuming now.
The won't find an ulcer.
Either way, the specialist wants a looksy. I'm not opposed to having a camera shoved into my insides, so we can figure it all out. It will be the best photo that represents my inner self. Maybe I'll ask for a copy and have it framed. The caption could say, "here is my alimentary canal" or "guess who had tofu for lunch?" or perhaps the ever popular, "true love starts in the gut..." That would be awesome. Awesome for me; maybe not the viewers. But I will show everyone.
What I would not show everyone, is a pic of my youthful partying. I am beyond grateful that when I was at my peak of rebelling (maybe I still am but act on it differently); camera phones were NOT being used to post my worst decisions for the world to see. Back then, we just had to do it the old fashioned way; call your friends the day after and say "Oh shit... did I REALLY do THAT???!!!" And then relive the guilt and shame via your best friends. However, when done outside of an environment that you wish would never be recorded, that click of a camera or phone, can grab the most amazing, hilarious, sad, ridiculous and historical moments.
As this camera slides down my throat, I wonder if it will be aware of how little I have spoken my truth over the longevity of my life. Oh I have chattered on and on… but the truth about who I am has been pretty quiet for many fears and years. I have a resistance to people getting to know the real me. Many feel they have grasped the immense personality I am; but in fact they have only scratched the surface. I have tried on several faces to induce a more comfortable environment. It’s been fucking exhausting. The area of the throat, longs for balance: speak and quiet.
The camera will slowly wind its way through my heart. Maybe it will find a scarred path where the many broken pieces have been tenderly brought together through self-development and internal self-care. The photos taken would see how deeply I fall in love but how distracted I can be, if bored. I have loved and lost and told many to ‘get lost.’ I have zero apologies for the mini and maxi relationships I have had on this journey because each one has brought me closer to realizing my heart desires. I hope this camera gently filters all the tears and emotional moments to create a collage of my most beautiful intimacies.
And finally the destination: MY GUT.
The camera slides to location… Stop. Turn. Stop. Turn. Click… Click… Click…
The amount of photos taken makes me smile and cringe. I am aware of my powerful gut instincts and yet I have stories clinging to my insides for fear of what would happen if I release. There is no easy answer to why I have chosen to hang on so tightly to my past, but that is something I am currently working on. The avoidance of listening to my ‘belly’ has caused great anxiety and struggle.
From the time I was little, my body has been sensitive. I have always internalized and taken on more 'grown up' feelings than any other child I played with. I knew at an early age the deep connection I had to humanity and it hurt deep within my core to observe and witness hate, apathy and dismissal of any living thing. Fast forward to today; that is why my gut hurts. There is no ulcer; it is a collection of deep seeded emotions that I am working on setting free.
We all have an abstract photo album full of what our lives have produced mentally, emotionally and physically. Sometimes it causes us great discomfort and even pain. What is the source of experiencing less fear and more peacefulness? The key is tapping into our internal abundant source for self love, happiness and worthiness. This answer is not easy but it's do-able. We need to stay present. Stop carrying around the past; we can analyze it, dissect it and process it... but we cannot change it. And decide to let the future unfold as it should without losing our shit if it doesn't go exactly the way we planned. Being sensitive is a wonderful gift - but internalizing to the point of physical pain is a problem.
Be in THIS beautiful moment. Breathe. Meditate. Trust.